


all the missed

by uweresaying



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: F/F, venting honestly, wlw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:53:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28144161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uweresaying/pseuds/uweresaying
Summary: i'll be okay, but i dont think the knot in my stomach, or the dreams, or the non-stop "what if"s will ever go away.
Relationships: fucked up - Relationship
Kudos: 3





	all the missed

**Author's Note:**

> if for some reason 𝙮𝙤𝙪're reading this, please stop here. it's about you, but its just for me to vent into the abyss. i don't want you to hold it against me, or to be angry at me for it. if you keep reading knowing that's how i feel, then just now you chose to read this. and i told you not to. so let the essays begin, i guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i suggest "timebomb" by tov lo

on january 4th, 2020, you texted me at 2:00 a.m. and told me you wanted me to fight. i told you i wanted to fight too, but i didn't. not really. i wanted to have you more than anything, but i was scared of him. i knew what he had done to others, and what he had done to me, and i didn't want to fight for us because i was a fucking coward. i should have left him that night. i should have gone into my bedroom, where, that night, he had been sleeping, while i slept on the couch, and told him to get his shit and leave, because i didn't want to be his toy anymore, because the strong women who never once gave up on me, no matter how fucking hard i am to love, still wanted me. i lied to you. kinda. i told you that long distance was the issue, that i needed your touch, but now i know that i was just fucking scared. sure, the idea of not being able to touch you and kiss you and look into your eyes, being able to hold you close at night and hold your hand through the hard times sounded like a nightmare, but i knew you would have been worth it. but i was a fucking coward who cared more about the fact that i didn't wanna get fucking raped or get hit or yelled at by my boyfriend at the time than fighting for us. and that is, to this day, the biggest mistake of my life. your face haunts me, the ghost of you popping up in different corners of my days. my heart breaks everytime i let myself spiral down into the memories and thoughts of you. knowing i hurt you pains me so deeply. knowing there's nothing i can do is the worst part. the scars I've left are there to stay. i don't get to take them back. i don't get to say sorry and get forgiven. but if you read this, i hope you know that i think of you everyday. that i know that now, we're nothing more than strangers with a past, that i don't know your current favorite color, and i don't know who your current celebrity crushes are, but i know that i promised to go to your graduation back when you we're texting me all of your lunch period in freshman year. and i know that you and your mom used to share a room. i still have anger inside me to murder the man who left. i know that you wanted to grow up to be a singer, but told yourself you would settle for a writer because you didn't think your voice was good enough. but what you didn't know was that i used to fall asleep listening to the videos you would send me of you singing. i used to wonder how angry my parents would be at me after disappearing for just a weekend at minimum because i wanted to take money and get on a bus and wouldn't stop traveling til i was at your doorstep. everytime i watch advenger movies my heart aches. especially when i see bucky or natasha. sometimes i make myself watch her just to torture myself. i miss you so much. so fucking much. but i know you're happier than you've ever been without me in your life, and that's probably the most gut-wrenching part, next to the fact i know that you're not in love with me anymore. that the feelings you once had are long gone, and that I'm never gonna move into an apartment in new york with you with our cats and just hold one another. or maybe it's the fact that there's a probability that's not even your dream future. or maybe it's the fact that i didn't fucking keep my promise to see you graduate. the fact i miss that tears me apart and i don't think I'm ever gonna get over it. please know i will never not be just a text away. i miss you. but i understand you wanting to stay away from me. i understand every choice you have made. you deserve to be in any situation possible in which the outcome is you having a smile on your face, and happiness in your soul. wherever life takes you, i hope you're happy. that's all i want. you deserve so much happiest. so much. whatever that means for you, i hope it happens. because you deserve it so much. i love you endlessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goodnight


End file.
